Archive for March, 2008

waking up is hard to do

Posted in life stories, school related on 28March2008 by jod

i have just woken up from the nightmare i made myself.

this just means, i am ready for vacation! woohoo.

but, before going into vacation mode, i still have to close the semester with a couple of papers that needs to be written. these papers should not be a burden since i’ve prepared for them beforehand. and, all they need is writing.

i was very happy yesterday. and, today. i might be able to pass almost all of my subjects after all. but what i did not enjoy was that it took me a long while to realize that i am not fulfilling my responsibilities as a student.

i’ve learned from that now. and from this day, i promise i wont be going through the same nightmare again.

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the judgement rule

Posted in life stories, my rants on 25March2008 by jod

the day was alright considering na i have exams and all.

it was a great day over-all. pero, a day in this house does not end without a fight – no matter how small. true enough meron kanina. pero, since i said i am changing, hindi na ako pumatol. yes, masama ang pumatol sa nakatatanda even though you know that you are on the right side of the world.

to tell you the truth, i am proud to say na i am one of those people na walang pakialam sa kung ano ang tingin sa kanila ng marami. it is in my philosophy not to care so much. and, more than that, i can take any judgment openly. i mean, no hard feelings.

but if your own family judges you for something you obviously are not, ibang usapan na. it was earlier today when my aunt knocks on the door to the computer room. and, after a while, she was screaming her lungs out telling me that i might be onto something.

yun, hinayaan ko lang.

pero, yung sabihan kang baka nasa sindikato ka at nagda-drugs, yun ang hindi ko mapalalampas.

i know that they had the right thing in mind – probably, to protect me from any harm. but, at that moment, i was just so mad at them.

i couldnt even work out where they got the idea of me being into drugs or working in a sindikato.

they should know better.

and, i would say that they should practice what they preach. they should not go saying dont judge others or flush the toilet if they dont even do it themselves. parang, we live up to them. they should be our role models.

also, they should not go blaming my friends for who i am. hindi ba nila alam na a child starts learning at home? sila din may kasalanan kung bakit ako ganto.

maybe they should change na din.

and for a start, stop taking everything out on me.

it should have been me

Posted in thoughts on 23March2008 by jod

i was watching Pinoy Big Brother Teen Edition Plus earlier this evening. if you call 930pm early. and, i was enjoying the show up until the teen housemates were all inside the house.

 

inside my head, i am recalling that it should have been me inside that house. i could go audition and prove to them that i am worthy of being inside the house. what might i want to do inside? nothing – to find myself is the most ideal reason. to win is the next most important. i want to enter the house to find who i am. maybe, that is where i will be able to know my true self.

 

however, the truth will do come out. what effort did i do to achieve this dream or want? nothing, still. what have i got to share with these people? nothing, im as boring as a log.

 

that is one of the problems i have – i always find an opportunity to prove myself and yet, i lack the effort to take these opportunities. thus, i find myself discouraged once again.

i always have some ideas but i lack the effort to do them.

what is the problem with me?

 

the truth is, i really dont know who i really am. what i want to do. what my favorites are. who my bestfriends are. i cant even answer the simple question how do you see yourself in the future.

 

i know that i am now in the stage wher ei need to take responsibilities. but, how can i take responsibilities when i dont know who i am. or what am i even good at.

 

i really need to look for who i am. i am in dire need of a personality.

 

this is one of the reasons why i hate watching television – reality television shows to be exact. i often reflect on what is happening with my own life. i am often led to the conclusion that i am such an incapacitated person. i have no capacity to do things and i am not able to prove myself.

 

but in the end, based on the book, these bad feelings will be my stepping stone to achieving the goals i post.

or maybe, it is not where i will discover who i really am. it may be someplace i dont know or somewhere close to home.

 

 

 

and who am i?

 

that’s what i am going to discover.

soul inventory

Posted in life stories on 20March2008 by jod

my organizer / planner / journal has this quarterly check-up pages. i decided to answer them now. [because i wanted to see what is going on]

 

1. How have you been doing?

I am honest to say that i have not been doing well. I know that i said that i wanted to change. however, i see only a minimal change in  me. i know that it is good that at least i’ve changed. but, this is not what i expected it to be. or am i just raising the bar high enough to make a change in me overnight? or maybe, i am just expecting too much of myself.

 

2. How’s your health?

I am proud to say that i am quite healthy. i had no major sickness. i only suffered normal colds because of the weather. however, if you were to ask about my mental health, i would say i am very exhausted. i have not been using my mind well. also, i do not control it very much. i am having bad thoughts about other people.

 

3. On a scale of 1-10, how stressed are you?

I am very stressed and i am rating it 7. i do not rate it 10 because there are times that i am enjoying what i am doing. there are also school work that i do enjoy. and, since i answered that i have not been using my mind well, that is when i feel stressed. i also feel stressed during exams because i am not ready to take it. it seems that i have been doing so many things, yet, there is nothing i get accomplished.

 

4. Goals Achieved

One of the goals i achieved is to become a more active member of my organization. i am an active member as it is but i feel that there is something that is lacking. but, that achievement seems to be useless.

 

5. Hate List

i hate myself for being blind, mute and deaf to my surroundings. i tend to isolate myself too much and i pick the events wherein i would talk about what i feel. and i hate myself for being to fake a smile or a frown. i hate myself for not letting others know what i truly feel.

 

6. Love List

i love the things that are happening to me at the moment. they might not seem to be the greatest experiences here on earth but at least they tell me that there is always time to change. there will always be a way to improve myself. and through them, i saw that i am improving. i saw that there are a lot more to improve. and,  i saw what there is to improve.

 

 

this quarterly check-up is very helpful. i am seeing a much more exciting year ahead of me.

a rock thrown at me

Posted in realizations on 20March2008 by jod

i am currently experiencing the situation wherein everything you have is taken away form you.

 

and i am telling you that instead of crying my heart out, i am thinking of turning my life around to get them back.

 

 

ok, i am going to tell you what life stole from me:

1. my academics. i got delayed.

2. i was not accepted into the position i was applying for. 

3. my contact lenses were torn by my cousin.

 

these may be three small things but they mean a lot to me. a whole lot.

 

do you know the saying about God and throwing rocks at you? it goes something like this.

 

If you are on the wrong path, God will throw rocks at you. If you are stubborn enough to listen, better endure the pain of rocks thrown at you.

 

now, God just threw a rock at me. i am convinced that He wanted me to do something else. in short, He wanted me to straighten out my life. and that, i will do.

i am very sorry that it took a very long while until I got the message or i decided to listen. but, it is always better late than never.

 

at the start of this year, i said to myself i would change. the first quarter was a jet lag of last year. starting this april or even right now, i will change my life’s direction. it is towards where God wants me to be. i may not have the exact idea where, but, i will feel it if i’m there.

 

to take the chance

Posted in thoughts on 13March2008 by jod

many people wonder when they will get the chance to do everything they want to do.

and, many people also just wait for the chance to do the things they want to do.

 

it sounds like they advice they give you when you search for love. love daw should not be searched. you’d rather wait for it to come to you. and, thus, compared to a butterfly. love is like a butterfly, it sits on you when you don’t move. 

 

but hey, no butterfly will come to you unless you are a very pretty flower.

 

what i meant to say is, if you’ve got something going on and you want to do/have something, do everything in your power to make it happen.

 

this leads me to a certain situation that were all connected [in a way].

 

there was this exhibit at school that featured personalities who graduated from our school. the exhibit was sponsored by some organization, Organization X. Organization X believes that every one of us is destined to do something. or they believe in the achievement of a person’s purpose in life. they want to help people answer the question, “What am I here for?” i very much like the idea of such organization. i truly believe in their goals and objectives – because, i am that kind of person. 

i also believe that we are born on this world for a purpose. we are all given our passions to make that purpose happen. and what i want to do is:

1. define my passion. and from there fulfill my said purpose in life.

2. influence others in finding their niche in this world. and help them realize it.

3. help other people help other people.

all in all, i want to find myself even more and from there i really want to help other people. 

 

anyway, after seeing the exhibit, i was happy. however, i had second thoughts about joining. i was thinking about my other commitments, my academics, my other responsibilities. i have enough responsibilities as it is, am i willing to add more?

 

that was when i found a book in Book Sale entitled Do It! Let’s Get Off Our Buts. in the short run, it tells you that when you want to do something, do it. don’t worry about everything else, just do it. it’s like a tagalong saying, kung gusto may paraan kung ayaw, maraming dahilan. it sounds like that. however, it does tell me more than that. it also tells me about negative feelings and how to make good use of it. 

 

 

after that happened to me, i realized that God wants me to do something. yes, i still believe that God controls our life and lays out choices for us to take. however, in this situation, He shows me the way and lays the path for me to take. i know that he knows what my passions are. and i know that he knows that i’ve been waiting for opportunities to make them happen.

 

now, what am i waiting for? i am waiting for everything to subside first – my academics and responsibilities. when the time comes, it is then that i plan what am i to do. but, one thing is for sure, wherever i may go, He would always be there to support me. even though, it is not the path He wanted me to take. kasi, if i were meant to be somewhere else, He would always make a way for me to be there. 

 

that i know of. and that, i’ve experienced. trust me.

waiting for it to happen

Posted in thoughts on 11March2008 by jod

since there are no classes today because of the transport strike, i have another chance of posting an entry.

the project takes up most of my time and other responsibilities. i am glad that we are nearly done with the semester and i’m looking forward to next year’s academic journey. all i need to do now is to study for the final stretch of the semester and i’ll be on vacation.

during summer, i need to find time to organize myself and my life. aside form the usual academic-related things, i also learned a lot about life. and here i found myself – i found my niche and my strengths.

i am very happy with how my life is turning out. i know that there are things about me that i want to improve; but they are just little aspects of me. over-all, i am quite satisfied.

life has never been this good to me.